10 Quotes To Get You Through Another Thanksgiving

Comedians, writers and celebrities share their take on the absurdities of Turkey Day.


Thanksgiving is a day of peaks and valleys: We get to spend time with family! But then there’s that cousin and those nephews. We get to stuff our faces with delicious food! But then we have to spend two hours with the meat sweats. We can all get through this Turkey Day unscathed, though, by reminding ourselves that without those trying moments, Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving.

“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson

“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.” —Mary Karr

“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’” —Jim Gaffigan

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” —Erma Bombeck

“Indigestion is charged by God with enforcing morality on the stomach.” —Victor Hugo

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” —Rita Rudner

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller